Does it ?

I don't know how it all started, again. I don't understand and can't deal with it. All the scientific , psychological, religious , spiritual and artist approaches seen to be incomplete and fail after some time. Sincerely, Kardecism is the one that gave the most complete answers but it all sounds just like a really good doutrine at the end.... only a doutrina. I can't deal with the idea of existing. I paint my own face thousands of times and try to go deep it , I analyse myself compulsively all the time everyday, I pray , I meditate, I go beyond what was taught me ....... at I get so self-centred that I don't exist to myself, I can't believe it happens , existence. What?!!! I don't know , I can't . All this ups and downs towards nowhere. Such unfair. Sometimes I look to the very selfish people or the ones with high level of vanity ( as I was much different )..... and think this are typical defensive behaviour of who is afraid of life and its own existence on this world. Can you blame then? But everything is more than this , I don't even know why I diverged here taking this sidetrack. Because is easier ,I guess. I don't understand nothing, now I can't feel existence passing by my body as a eternal energy, infinite and unadulterated and full of Authority as Universe must to be. Why? Why does this happen? Why do I feel like an ephemeral piece meat? Sometimes I go off and feel that must to start all over again. Why? I didn't do nothing wrong, as a matter of fact I improve myself spiritually and morally everyday. Why, do I feel so out of step with the Whole Existence that I can't even paint a face. Or paint anything else? Or do anything else? I think that the cause of my depression is the doubt that I exist, the feeling that it is all fiction and worse that "there is nothing I can do", is "there is no reason to do anything".