portraits of innocence and individuality - 2009 and 2005 - by Caio Fernandes.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS POST WITH THE ORIGINAL IMAGES VISIT MEIN WELT
this title isn't mine , was writen by Barbara Dayer Gallati on the first chapter of her book " children of the gilded era " . that i found in 2007 at Tate Gallerie .
in 2000 , 2001 , 2002 i was developing a work that i can say i was very secure and satisfied with the results .at the time i painted my head every day just concerned with the light on it and volumes , it wasn't self-portrait , searching the very core of human soul , i called slices of soul , or psico slices . and not just me was apreciating , it was being recognized receiving awards , being sold , and i had a great sckedule filled with many exhibitions .but at the year of 2003 i got into a crises , and that work didn't express what i need in my life . so i stoped to paint .
i din't want a work that looked like contemporary art anymore .but i wasn't sure what i had to do .
in 2004 i saw a documentarie about the life and work of Balthus , i always had simpaty for his work , but this time i jumped fron the sofa . that was what i want . i got . i wanna for some reason i didn't understand yet , reach the life that artists as Renoir , Sargent , John Everett Millais painted . i was sick of the urban , corporative , fashion Sao Paulo's life style .i was at this time living complitely alone in a old durty house , that the kids of the neighborhood believed was haunted . i looked like the Nosferatu of that german mude movie ( i always forget the name of the director ) .and sundely i saw myself doing skechts of paintings of litlle girls and boys playing with boxers and german shepards , as the scennes of my childhood when i lived on the german neighborhood of Alto da Boa Vista , when it was german , before the brasilians discover the area , kill all the trees , all the wild life , and make the local people get so discusting that felt forced to leave ( i HATE brasilians , i am one of then , but i am not one of then ) . ( ok call this neorotic )
i never was able to paint those first paintings i drawed before because i din't find models at the time , not even the right landscapes . , but in 2004 and 2005 i started to do few works , my house started to looks like another dimmention , by the decoration , and the concept of it ,that made me forget the country and world i was living , any single estetic value of it looked like you will find in Sao Paulo or brazil . i din't speak portuguese any more , i created a dialet , mixed of english , german , sao paulo's portuguese very italian accent , and elfic , of the lord of the rings book ( thanks Tolkien ) . i lost all my friends because they stated to believe i got nazi , but here in brasil if you drink tea , eat potatoes with cabage and mostard , and listen Mozart they call you nazi any way . even my family took distance . it looked esquisofrenie , but i had total conscience of what i was doing . the money stoped to come in and i got really poor , doing 1 meal every 2 or 3 days .
then i started to be able to criate , but just 20 works a year . in 2006 my sister asked me help for start a marketing and advertising company , she got graduated, and din't want to work as a employe any more , so for 10 months i worked 18 hours a day and got money enough to pay a long travel to Europe and spend 6 months studing in London . then my nerves calmed donw , and i was able to see and undestand what i was looking for in my life , i got even more in loved with it .
when i came back to Sao Paulo in the second semestre of 2007 , i felt in a deep , long depression again , but decieded to back to work now in 2009 . so i am learnig again how to painting .
you must to think that it is all very ridiculous and was a waist of time , and i understand very well . but if you was bourned here , being educated to believe that every single thing about europe culture and people is wrong and must to be changed , being european decendent , and whaching a population of your country taking every day decisions that you don't agree , watching the natural life being murdered , by a progress that just bring social conflicts , concret , ignorance and crimes . whachting the good values being replaced for prejudice ...... people hating you because you don't want to be hipocret , mediocre , unhonest ...... seeing the love of your life being murdered by a clone of a national hero jiu jitso fhighter that wasn't arrested because is son of a influent politician of the court house ( and risking your neck just because wrote this in a blog , even in english ) . ....... maybe , maybe you would understend me .
the painting of the girl and aple was painted last monday . the other is fron 2005 . i like to see the diferences . trusth me ; is the same girl . but for me it is just a self-portrait . the 2005 one is darker , has fear , that little being is lost and fragil . the 2009 one , the girl is well fixed on the centre , secure of herself , she has all that ornamental mess and tentantions of the world over her head , but she does't care . she kind of turn her back for it . as she was untouchble . i wrote Jesus Cristo under it but din't want to give a religious conotation for the painting , i just felt to put a white spot into the blue , the Jesus idea came because i heard someone on the street screaming : OH JESUS!! WHAT IS THIS?!!! . it was funny , as you know , i am christian , so it seemed to be perfect .
can you believe than when i came fron London , the only thing i wanted to see here in Sao Paulo was this painting of the little girl ? some times i think i just came back to see it again . i remember myself in the museuns looking to the great masters and thinking about this painting .
you have no idea how important it is to me . in 2007 a asshole stupidy curator asked me to be part of a exhibition , but didn't acept to show this work , it wasn't good enough , contemporary enough , he just want the works made till 2002 . i gave what he asked , but never went to see that stupid exhibition . people saw on the news paper , but for me it never happened , just helped to make the depression get deeper . i HATE all then . my head forgive it , but not my heart .