I think it is the winter here... it makes me feel more like to write..... different of that heat punishing this land most part of the year where I lose the will to live and create..... even so, at least about painting, the heat haven't affected me so much... but writing during the other hotter months... well.... I can't explain but just doesn't happen.
Today after a really freezing night I woke up with a nice warm sun landing on the window, and it is still cold. This is life. I love both, the cold and the subtle kind warm sunshine in the morning.
So I realized that on a dimension of reality where everything is a illusion it is impossible to produce a fiction or a lie. Everything is truth exactly for not existing under a formal position related with the biggest nature of the universe that can be opened by another dimensions of existence.
It made me get sad and calmer at the same time. Well a contradictory nature of existence can only form contradictory feelings when I am in bed looking the sun passing by the fissures of the wooden window. For the fact all is unreal and fictional... all can be faced as truth. Doesn't matter.
It made me remember one thing too. This client I had when was working on a extremely poor community here in São Paulo. There I had to deal with families and their problems. They were very poor people with no formal education and their solutions for life could be shocking to me. There was this man, a father , I used to talk to him in two different situations... family therapy where his wife and kids were present .... and alone. In front of the family he was pretty realistic, had alcohol issues and was an abusive husband, he knew that and was sincerely fighting to solve this. Alone with me he was totally schizophrenic and incapable to tell one single truth living in a fantasy world. So contradictory... and he really believed or wanted to believe on all he was telling me.
Well, I was a voluntary there and it was my second year at the college. I was working at this place more to help kids to keep going to school and teach mothers how to convince the children to stay at home doing homework and not going to street for doing drugs. I had absolute any training for dealing with that man and I couldn't call a real professional because... he was poor, black, ignorant, alcoholic, poor , poor, poor, miserable..... and... who cares ? right ?
What happens is that for my lucky in a very short time I realized that this man was more sincere with me when we were alone and he were outbreaking than when he was in front of his family being all realistic.
Through his lies I could see all the crystal clear truth... it is very common in psychoanalysis as a matter of fact, I wasn't doing anything new. Experiencing that I realized that doesn't exist lie in this life. All produced by man can be considered truth. Months latter a woman stared to work as volunteer there and she was a brilliant psychologist. She took care of this man and all my clients as I decided to work in another activity with the families offered by this center.
At the same time I worked as volunteer as medium on a Kardecist center and used to study it hard. The mentality that this is only a very low and, not unreal dimension of existence but much less real than the other dimensions where we came from and are destined to go back was increasing/improving in my mind and all blending with what I studied at College.
When I was a teenager I already thought like that, it made me go to study both things at the same time.
It is going to chase me for the whole life. That is the reason I woke up today thinking about this only because I am feeling like to write a novel that has being on my mind for years and I only didn't start because I can't decide if it is going to be written by a linear chronological order or if I am going to only obey the way memories lead to other creating emotional links where a more Cartesian logic is going to become less important or effective.
This is exactly the issue where forces me to keep painting what and the way I paint and not more impressive and "smart" images. Keep it simple as a Jesus word and deep as His meaning. ( ok I can't get deep as Him but you know what I mean, hahah)
My last painting is a good example of this. As I wrote when I posted it " only a blur on the middle of the raw canvasses". As the raw canvasses was nothing, only a support to exist in blur and make it happen even so.
It is painting for who loves painting and doesn't care for subjects, stories or meanings. The truth is there doesn't matter what. The painting ( as media ) has the power to be an expression by itself and doesn't need excuses to exist ( concepts or ideas ).
This is the whole life. This is existence on this dimension. This is the words of that poor man that only told me the truth by lies as facts doesn't matter at all, the truth is always expressed anyway.
Keep it simple and kick the material world's ass with its facts and concepts... it is all unnecessary. The Truth is there, here and everywhere on the universe independent of anything you can reach by your brain or heart or even soul as truth is the existence by itself = All small creations. All art.