Friday, August 27, 2010

Beloved MINDY ( 1990 - 2010 )

My little daughter Mindy died last friday, one week ago steped on by a car in front my house. This post is only to say that I love her.

Twenty years ago I was at my mother's house backyard where I still lived and she appeared fron nothing on the wall. I tried to ignore her but she started to follow me everywhere and mew at the window of my bedroom every night till I let her get in. I started to grow feelings for her. At the first months she used to hunt rats at the street every night for eat, I had to slowly make she get used with cat chow. I still don't understand why she came to me , she could have chosen anyone as was pretty and people of my street in general liked cats. She was so small, I thought she would grow up but not. She kept that size for all these years. With a golden hair diferent of the other siameses. At the street now when I touched her hair with blood and holded that tiny body on my chest I almost died, she was so soft and pure. People doesn't have the right to look, many neighbors came to the street to watch my grieve as it was an atraction. I hate all then even more now. My little daughter. I have never lived for twenty years with anybody. Not even with my mother or my father, even less with my siblings. Only her. She was present when I wrote my first poem, she was present when I painted my first painting. When I drawed my first drawing, when I took my first photo. She saw me growing up as nobody did, always by my side , on my lap, suporting me about everything. She lived with me in all the houses I lived . My Father's, my mother's, all the places I lived alone she was the only one there with me. All the time I was working she sat my my side for all the time watching me. For the last twenty years I had her sleeping on my lap every single night. She used to stare at my face for hours loving me while I was lost in thoughts. She had a bad temper and was a very jelous girl. All the time I used to bring women to my house she got angry peeing on their chothes and on the part of the sofa they had sat, then starting to throw objects fron the shelfs breacking it on the floor when I was penetrating the pussys, she always knew the right time even I leting her out of the bedroom. All the women I brought to my house complained about Mindy's behaveur but I defended her because knew that at the end she would be the only one to stay by my side. I had to put in the garbage all ther stuff, toys, sand box, box for transportation.... the house is so empty without her stuff, there is so much less colors now. For twenty years she was so present that inside home I didn't see her as another person, she was already an extention of my body, an extention of my will.  All the time I had to open a drawer or a door I had with the arm or leg to put her by the side saying "be carefull little one, I am going to open it now, watch out". Now all the time I open something I do the same but she isn't there. It is so hard, I feel amputated now, "where is she?". I look to the window. Before I knew if I had to close and open the window because of her , it depended with I allowed her to go to the street or not. Now I look to the window and I don't know if I want this opened or closed. I don't know what I want without her. I never had to chose if the window gets closed or opened without her by my side , I don't know if I like closed or opened windows. I don't know what I like or what I am without her. I don't know where my arms end because before the extention of my arm was till where I could reach her. When I was living out of the country I had her picture my the side of my bed, peoplethought I was gay because all the time they asked me if I had a family , kids, I showed her picture in my wallet saying that this is my daughter. Do you think I am going to stop to show my wallet's picture of her? Never !! I remember when I went to live in a tiny house that was only a small roon where fited a single bed and nothing else with a bathroon where the shower was over the toilet, it was a very dangerous area and the door of it didn't have any lock, anyone could get into any time of the day or night. I had a knife and slept with mindy on my belly, at night all the time someone aproached of my door Mindy advised me snarling as a dog, I could wake up and get up fastly already holding the knife and making a noise to show that I was awaken and aware that had people by the other side, She saved my life many times at that time, I would probably be dead now. During all my life I was never chose by anyone for nothing, anybody never choose me as a friend , a lover or an employe, all the realtionships I had to fight hard for get and at the end I got hurted and dismissed. She was the only one that have chosen me, in my entire life. My entire life. And how did she die? Fast, do not even giving me trouble. With twenty years old she didn't need any medicine and played as a kitten full of grace and feminility. So charming, so feminine. Even for her death she choose to reliese me of any concernment. What I am going to do with my life now? What is going to happen? I don't know this world without her. I don't know myself without her.

This is São Paulo, there is no place to bury a pet. So I looked for an veterinary hospital, I would have to let the Mindy's body there for cremation, but the cremation doesn't happen there, a truck of the city hall goes to take the dead bodys twice a week and then they let for cremation. It is so umpersonal, such unfair. Not saying that I would have to pay a fee of 50 bucks, money I don't have. Mindy's body got on my table near my paintings for 28 hours and I stayed by her side all this time. I wraped her in a strip of my blanket, the part of the blanket she used to sleep. I had to cut this off for her and now I can't cover my feet. Yesterday when the tuck of the garbage men was at the street behind, at the other blok, I prepared her little coffin. Here I discovered that has a law forbiden people to put their dead pets for the garbage man to take. You can even be arrested. So wrote a poem and put under her tinny fore foot wraping the bloody body in her own green blanket and then in our blanked in a very confortable way as she like to stay, then put her body inside a black pastic bag and the plastic bag inside a box of her size that I found behind the supermarket. It was a brow box writen in pink rose leters "Soft Baby". Perfect for her. The product of the box was soup for washing machines. Smelled good. When the garbage man arrived at my street I delivered it to him, on his hand saying good night. He sayed thank you and put in a pile of plastic bags he had done. Fron the side walk I couldn't take my eyes fron that. The truck came and the garbage men started to throw the bags inside it. Mindy was the last, the trunk started to move away and I went to the midle of the street trying to se her Soft Baby box one more time . It was there , one more garbage among thousands. Anybody noticed me waving to the tuck till it turned the corner. Done. It wasn't a happening in my life . Mindys death is the end of an age. Now I will have to recreate myself and don't know how to start. All the times life forced me to recreate myself she was by my side observing and supporting me about everything. The only one that have chosen me, that choose to love me if even I don't  asking for or trying to convinse of nothing.